Life is going __________. On some fronts you can add the word "great" into the blank space. But on other fronts you can insert the word "shitty".
I feel like my entire life got away from me, that I pissed all of it away. But then I think a little bit more and wonder what was so great about my life before I got involved with the Vicodin? I can tell you I was much happier thats for sure. I was in love. I sure miss that.
I miss people trusting me automatically instead of assuming the worst. I get this little rash on the right side of my nose. It usually comes from stress (which I can assure you I've had no shortage of lately). I also would sometimes get the rash when I was taking the aforementioned Vicodin. When my father sees the rash he immediately gets cold and vacant. He's been gone for two weeks and today I picked him up from the airport. Sadly my rash is slightly visible and he wouldn't say a word the whole drive home. He just stared at me in disgust. I offered to take a drug test. He didn't say anything back.
This happened a few weeks ago before they left. My rash showed up and he freaked out. I offered to take a drug test. We bought one, I peed, and everything was squeaky clean. I live in a community where I get randomly drug tested at least once a week if not more anyway.
The bottom line is that I'm done with the shit anyway. I completely understand that you shouldn't believe an addict when they say that, and that is fine. But I am saying it anyway for my own benefit. It has become clear to me that there is no way I can survive in life while using any narcotics. I have no urges any more. Frankly they terrify me. I have a great sponsor and I work a great program.
Sadly the only person who can know all of this for sure, is me. But it seems that my word isn't worth a quarter teaspoon of dog shit. I completely understand why. I just don't have to like it.
Mikey,
ReplyDeleteI believe you. I have faith in you that you will do the right thing. Now that you are free from the drugs you can do anything you set your mind to and you deserve all the praise in the world for making it to this point. Too many people don't reach the point you are at - the place of where you are clean and are committed to staying clean (not just wanting to). I know it's a hard situation and everyone will look at it and handle it differently, but you are a good hearted person who deserves the best life has to offer and I know you are ready to reach for all those things and you know drugs will only get in the way. The only way to get any where in life is to make mistakes and learn from them and sometimes we have to fuck up pretty bad (repeatedly) to learn from them, but you have reached the point of where you are learning and moving on. Nothing is more disappointing for a child than a disapproving look from a parent, especially when you are innocent. Stay strong and keep on keepin on. ;-)
Jenn