Life is going __________. On some fronts you can add the word "great" into the blank space. But on other fronts you can insert the word "shitty".
I feel like my entire life got away from me, that I pissed all of it away. But then I think a little bit more and wonder what was so great about my life before I got involved with the Vicodin? I can tell you I was much happier thats for sure. I was in love. I sure miss that.
I miss people trusting me automatically instead of assuming the worst. I get this little rash on the right side of my nose. It usually comes from stress (which I can assure you I've had no shortage of lately). I also would sometimes get the rash when I was taking the aforementioned Vicodin. When my father sees the rash he immediately gets cold and vacant. He's been gone for two weeks and today I picked him up from the airport. Sadly my rash is slightly visible and he wouldn't say a word the whole drive home. He just stared at me in disgust. I offered to take a drug test. He didn't say anything back.
This happened a few weeks ago before they left. My rash showed up and he freaked out. I offered to take a drug test. We bought one, I peed, and everything was squeaky clean. I live in a community where I get randomly drug tested at least once a week if not more anyway.
The bottom line is that I'm done with the shit anyway. I completely understand that you shouldn't believe an addict when they say that, and that is fine. But I am saying it anyway for my own benefit. It has become clear to me that there is no way I can survive in life while using any narcotics. I have no urges any more. Frankly they terrify me. I have a great sponsor and I work a great program.
Sadly the only person who can know all of this for sure, is me. But it seems that my word isn't worth a quarter teaspoon of dog shit. I completely understand why. I just don't have to like it.
